Pain Relief

Today I spoke to the doctor at the Pain Management Clinic. He decided that I do need to get back on the Fentinyl patch and started a schedule of oxycontin to transition to it. So today I took a very modest dose of oxycodone, just one 10mg tablet, one in the morning and one in the evening. And hours later it dawned on me that a huge transiton had quietly slipped into life.

I could speak in a two way conversation with my daughter and move around at the same time. For as long as I can remember, I have had to ask her over and over to wait until I finished something to talk to me. But most of my life I had no problem with talking and doing something at the same time. I have been thinking for the last six months that perhaps I had acquired mercury poisoning somehow, or was becoming affected by alzheimer’s, or was struggling with autistic tendencies like my daughter…

But today, all in one dramatic afternoon I was myself again. So incredible is the difference in a pain free ( not even totally free) day that I spoke to Rebecca freely without constantly asking her to wait, to speak less, constantly asking her to let me just do one thing at a time because I could not focus on more than one…it was all gone. All that intense, distraction vanished.
Oh, my life. Dear God, I pray, let me find peace this time. Let me be able to tolerate the medication that brings this relief for an everyday life of enjoying the little events as they tumble moment by moment, without bringing on more intense migraines.

Lord, on Sunday a couple began to depend on me for help, and today they had a peaceful day of loving living. Please Lord, give me the possibility of being there for helping them, and helping myself to find what I am helping them to have. Lord, I am a weak vessel and need relief from pain to be the mother to my darling daughter that I want to be. She needs more from me. I have taught her to want to converse and love to exchange conversation throughout the day, but I have lost the ability to converse and do anything else. Now, Lord, this pain is crippling me; I have taught myself to focus on forgetting it and almost do not notice it at all, but it still has hold of my life. I am not present most of the day because I must focus so intently on not noticing the pain.

Today the consciousness of my absence spiritually from life just hit me. My life has become more and more and more limited because of this pain. I must stay still and focus so hard on two way conversation or any of the other of life’s activities. I looked back tonight on my conversations online the last five weeks, and they lack cohesion. The are here and there and all over the place, because they come from moments of discomfort, sometimes intense, sometimes mild but always there. Do people understand how grand is a moment of really pain free existence?

My poor daughter Kristin recently was, I know, so hurt by my abrupt ending of an intimately sharing conversation. I wondered what was wrong with me at the time, why I did not sense her let down until I read the conversation over again and realized I, I had just gone way beyond my confort zone physically. I was in a 9, severe, almost crying, immobizing pain from sitting or typing or staying up or whatever brought it on, there is no way to really know, it just comes on and there is no pattern, at least none that offers insight into prevention. And even then, I did not put two and two together. But this afternoon and tonight I was able to do things I have not been able to do for so long. I cleaned the den of intense clutter; it has been gathering for six months. And I spoke with my little daughter, cooked dinner and did not feel anxiety but enjoyed the ordinariness as a gift of grace. And then I rested peacefully, more peacefully than I can remember. It was blessed calm peaceful rest with no part of my body hurting..

So I had to make this note of petition, that I can one day have this pain free life that I need to provide for my daughter and that I earnestly desire for myself so that the missing things from my life might once again be restored: a real ministry, hobbies, regular friendships not just online, cohesive and compassionate tenderness for life, even Lord if it be Your will, a love life, not just suppression and survival. I need to find pain management that does not slowly creeping, make my headaches worse. But for now, it is enough. Today was blessed. And for today enjoying the ordinary moments and being able to participate fully in life was paramount .

And if in two years my headaches become days on end of intense blinding pain and I must stop narcotic pain management again, I will. But for now I must try once again. There may be a migraine prevention come along and short circuit my slide into more intense and long lasting migraines, and I will be free to be myself again. After all, it took years for the pain to become absolutely crippling before, and I enjoyed much of movement and the moments of life.

And if my headaches make me less than responsible, at least I am forewarned and am not taking on so much as before, and I am becoming more careful so people do not lean and depend on me.
And this little couple have her father who is wise if I must be absent here and there; and they know I have limitations and am not a formally functioning clergy.

But Lord, let one of the newer antidepressants help me. And thank you Lord for today, for blessed relief, for the ability to share myself freely with my darling daughter. Thank you Lord for the reassurance that I am not losing my mind simply because most of the time I must use much of it to handle the focus it takes to function through the fog of pain.

Oh, God. It is a wonder that I survive and anyone cares for me at all.

Now, Lord, let this migraine I had early and that is creeping back be short-lived.
And let this nausea be calmed by phenargan. And let my gut adapt to the narcotic
And not become immobile. Oh, Lord, you are my only help. All else is uncertain.